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 Ladies and Jellybeans, Reptiles and Crocodiles.
I stand before you, to sit behind you.
To tell you something, I know nothing about.
Admission is free, so pay at the door.
There's plenty of seats, so sit on the floor.
In the Computer Wonderland things don't always make
sense. Things aren't always what they seem. So much advice
and who do you trust? Heres some straight dope for those of
you doing business in the Computer Wonderland. So take the blue pill,
and follow me down the rabbit-hole.
A friend wants advice on what PC he should buy his
daughter for her trip to Europe. They want to use Skype to stay in touch.
He was most likely looking for a manufacturer and model number.
The good advice is to get the one you need.
If the goal is to use Skype to communicate while travelling
through Europe, get a little $299 two pound Netbook with a built in
camera and load Skype. When your daughter comes home, if the
Netbook hasn't been lost or stolen, throw it away.
My advice, and its good advice, is to get good
advice. Hire a professional, the very best one you can, the very
best. It will save you false starts, dead ends, and loads of time. Thats my
advice, good advice.
Know how to spot bad advice
I'm a sensitive guy so I'm going to sugar-coat this to avoid
any hurt feelings.
The guy laying on your couch every Sunday during Football
Season who can burp the alphabet for your children and is a blood relative
of your spouse is not necessarily qualified to make
decisions concerning your business. He'd like another beer "while
you're up" and now that he sees you from behind thinks you've
gained a little weight. Take a blue pill and tell him to shut up. You don't
like him anyway. And why is he looking at your butt?
Relatives aren't the only ones to offer bad
advice. Pretty much anyone throwing a bunch of acronyms and
technical jargon at you is giving you bad advice. If they can't explain it
to you in English they probably don't have a clue what they're talking
about. If they give you cryptic messages to pass along to your
"IT Guy", telling you "he'll understand",
they probably don't have a clue either. And they look at your
butt.*
Know that you just might possibly not know everything.
People beam with pride because they've "got
their Domain Name and it was free". Its not really free, but they
don't know.
I manage Domain Name Registry for clients. My Registrar
charges $15 a year for names ending in dot-com. Thats what it costs.
$15.
The "Free" Domain Name is only free the first
year, it costs $30 to renew for year two, and another $30 every year after.
Getting out of this deal isn't cheap either. So in 5 years when your
business fails from making bad decisions you will have spent $120 on
$75 worth of registration fees. Thats a $45 tip on a $75
check.
But wait, there's more.
"But wait, there's more." is a book about
Salespeople. its about how Salespeople sell and are trained to sell. They
don't care what they sell, they sell whatever's hot. The internet is hot.
One of the underlying concepts of sales is to not say the
price. 'You'd expect to pay $399 for this but today only, and we're running
out of them, we can give
this to you not for $399, not for a low-low $299, not even for
an unheard of $199, but for just six easy to make payments of only
$99.95."
A Mexican Dope Peddler in the Rivera
Maya offered me marijuana "almost free".
Almost free. For a nice bottle of Single Malt Scotch I'll tell you how to
get Mexican Dope Peddlers to offer you marijuana for "almost
free". It may come in handy next time you go on vacation.
But you won't take me up on it. Not because you wouldn't smoke dope on
vacation, but because I told you the price.
I respond to "Almost Free Website" offers to
see what they're up to, and set prices.. The price for their
"Almost Free Website" is $3K. You can do it all at
once or drag it out but thats what it is. $3K. Getting a
straight answer on the price question is real hard. Companies
don't put thiose prices on their websites.
Send an email reply to one of the "Almost Free
Website" emails and they'll call you. Call you! Not
email an answer. They have to put a Professional Salesperson on the phone
with you. They won't tell you much at first, but eventually, way down deep
in the rabbit-hole, its $3K. Because that's what it is.
Free, for now.
People
often ask about "Cloud" services. Especially backing up their PCs
to the web. "It comes free with my new PC", "Google does
it.". Remember when Cash Stations (ATMs) were free? Remember
when Cable didn't have commercials? OK, probably you don't. But Disk
Storage is $10 per Gigabyte per month on the internet. You've got 20
gigabytes of pictures, $200 a month. That's what it is. $10 per
Gigabyte per month. Google it if you want. Blue pill, Google,
rabbit-hole.
Funny names don't mean cheap prices.
Geek Squad. Funny name, funny cars. Well trained
people, I like them and working with them. I thought they were
cheap, even felt insulted when people asked me to help them for free so
they wouldn't have to pay Geek Squad. Even offered to pay Geek Squad the $20
so I wouldn't have to waste my time. Little did I know.
Blue pill, Google, rabbit-hole. Geek Squad publishes their
rates right there on their website and they are not cheap. It says:
"We will install and/or repair, configure and update one software title
and add convenient Desktop, Start Menu and Quick Launch Bar Shortcuts for
quick and easy access." $129.99.
Autorun will install your software without much help from
you. All you have to do is register, which means type your name and zip
code. The Shortcuts happen automatically. But, if you're lonely, by
all means have the nice young man come over, and make some
tea. $130 an hour for that? Sign me up. Orange Pekoe please, goes
better with the blue pills.
Know what you want, ask for what you want.
Geek Squad will scan your PC for $300 and tell you if
you've got a Virus or Spyware. They'll try to remove them. No
promises. But if thats what you want, they'll do it.
You already know you have a Virus or you wouldn't have
called them. What you really want is all your files saved. Your late
Henry's photo album, your kid's 1st day of school and every day thereafter,
and 6 years of Quickbooks. You'd probably like all that software you've
loaded over the years to work too, but not at $130 "per software
title, with shortcuts".
Truth is, after 2-3 hours, and $300, the nice young man
can walk. "Yes ma'am Mrs.Cosgrove. You sure do have one of those
viruses. Sorry we couldn't save Henry's photos. Thanks for the tea. Try a
blue pill. Bye now. Gotta get back to my rabbit-hole".
You will get what you ask for at the price agreed on. So ask
for what you want.
A telecom vendor that does the same 2 hour installation
over-and-over six days a week charges $95 per hour. I asked how they make
any money with a 30 minute commute on each end of the visit. That
equals 3 hours for $190 or $63 per hour. Half the going rate
for telecom consultants with their skill set.
They charge whats known as a "Truck
Fee". A common practice used to offset the cost of transportation
to (not from) a client site. Theirs is $105. That changes things a
little now doesn't it? $295 is more than $190. That's $100 an hour now
instead of $63. $200 for the first hour or $150 an hour for the two hours
they're on-site. Even more tha Geek Squad, which is even more than me.
Anyway.
Down the rabbit-hole. Where do they get off charging more
for driving the truck than working? $105 for a 1/2 hour drive is $210 per
hour versus $95 for actually working. Maybe its the blue pills but unless you're a
truck, cab, or limo driver driving isn't working. Does an Airline
Pilot get $210 an hour for driving the plane? No.
Do a reality check, have realistic expectations. I saw Wierd
Science too, and trust me, you can not plug a modem into a bra and make
Kelly LeBrock.
Blue pill, Google, rabbit-hole, but thats your call, and
that's Cocktail Talk.
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Craig Phillips
CN Consulting, Inc.
* Okay, I admit I don't like these clowns.Whatever
they do for a living I can do better for cheaper. I'm sure I know just
as much about their professions as they do mine. I even know the difference
between Lasix and Lasik's. They don't, and I won't look at your butt.
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